Some Terms Are Better Than Others

A Plea to Stop Using MtF/FtM

I hate the terms ‘MtF’/’FtM’ or ‘Male to Female’/Female to Male’. Or maybe “loathe” is the better word. It doesn’t really matter.

Like many trans people, even before transition I had significant problems with the gender everyone was telling me I belonged to. My life, like everyone else’s, was full of moments in which I was asked or expected to perform certain behaviors based on how others perceived my sex. Some of these expectations were more problematic than others. For example, when I was asked to make a “tough face” after I tried to smile for my wrestling picture when I was five years old. This was definitely on the more silly/harmless end. On the other hand, I had a football coach my freshman year of highschool deride me for “spraining my cervix” after I was injured. This was on the more serious/disgusting end.

Now, these are just two examples of the ways people policed my behaviors based on my perceived sex. In the first case, I was taught that wrestlers didn’t smile in photos, and if I was a wrestler, I needed to look tough and manly. My even being on the “little guys” wrestling team was in large part because I was perceived as a “boy” by my family, and when I showed up, I was further policed into performing specific “manly” behaviors. In the second case, I was taught that expressing pain, or being injured invalidated me as a person and reduced me, literally, to a “pussy.” I had been convinced by society that football would “make a man out of me” and stamp out my feelings of being different, and when I joined the team I was subjected to policing that took on the characteristics of absurdly toxic masculinity.

The difference between these two examples lies only in their forcefulness. While the second sort of policing was less common (but not entirely rare), there were thousands upon thousands of times as I was growing up in which my gender was being policed in a myriad of small, “harmless” ways with the end goal being that I would internalize the gender others assigned me. This is true of everyone, whether they perceive it as a force in their lives or not. In my case, this continual policing didn’t “take.”

So what does this context have to do with the terms ‘MtF’/’FtM’? Well, these terms can be used in two ways.

On a medical reading, the terms describe someone who has transitioned, or is transitioning their sex from one to the other through some sort of medical intervention. This is suspect because it assumes sex is a concrete thing, that is easily identifiable, and that initial assignments are always correct. Sex, far from cut-and-dried, is an issue of synthesizing multiple different traits to come to “an” answer. Even then, it’s unclear what should be counted as the most significant trait when there isn’t perfect alignment (external genitalia is the default). Additionally, when used in this way, the terms ‘MtF’/’FtM’ reduce trans people to their physical traits and encourages our objectification.

The other way the terms are used conflates sex and gender. On this reading, the terms describe someone who has transitioned, or is transitioning their gender from one to the other.

When read this way, if someone used ‘MtF’ to describe me, they’d essentially be saying I was a man first, and then transitioned to being a woman. In some ways this is better than the above, because I’m not being reduced to my physical traits and objectified. However, it is still horribly inaccurate. I was never a boy, nor was I a man. Sure, other people thought of me that way and policed my behaviors based on that assumption, and that policing caused me at certain points to resign myself to being perceived in that way, but that does not mean it’s accurate to say I was a man.

A baby’s gender is like Schrödinger’s cat — but the box is the baby’s brain, and the cat’s status is the baby’s gender.

I was not born a “boy” or a “girl.” I was a human infant. Period. Full stop.

However, because I was born with traits that aligned with the sex “male,” people assumed that I was a boy and would eventually be a man. I do not fault anyone on this, despite the fact that it came to cause me immense distress. I understand that over 99% of the time, people assigned male at birth eventually come to identify as boys/men — though the policing we do most certainly helps make sure this happens. Regardless, people are not born with a gender, and while there may be physiological traits that can lead someone to eventually identify as a particular gender, they are not imminently visible. So, fair enough, for all intents and purposes I appeared male, and it made some amount of sense to assume that I would come to identify as a boy/man. But it didn’t work that way. Why?

Simone de Beauvoir was correct when, in her book The Second Sex she said, “One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.” Like everyone else, I came to know my gender, and what that meant, over time. And, like my cis woman peers, at some point I had to choose my own freedom from the oppressive structures that dictated my place in society.

Despite the differences between my upbringing and that of the stereotypical woman, and the force of all of the thousands and thousands of ways people policed my behavior based on my perceived sex in such a way as to encourage me to be a man, and told me that being a woman was “lesser,” I chose to own who I am and work to empower myself. I did not become a woman after having been a man, I simply became one to begin with.

So, to say that at some point before I transitioned I was a man is not accurate. I presented as one. Sure. I attempted, in many cases, to “meet expectations” for men in our culture. True. I even enjoyed some aspects of being perceived as one — being encouraged to enjoy beer; eating copious amounts of nachos with minimal guilt or cultural reprimand; being empowered to have confidence in my intellect, and practical ability; etc. No contest. However, being treated as a man does not mean I was one. I was me, and because society was constantly policing my behaviors, I had to swim upstream, nearly exhausting myself entirely, in order to get to where I could express myself and present myself authentically.

So yes, it took me longer to claim my womanhood, and to exist in society as a woman. Yes, I spent many years “benefiting” from male privilege. And of course I missed out on a lot of experiences that other women have had. There are differences between me and the average cis woman. However, to use the term ‘MtF’ to describe me is nothing more than an attempt to continue to police my gender. It’s a way to tack an asterisk onto my womanhood, one that denies my legitimacy, and ignores the fact that my journey toward understanding my gender started from “human infant” and ended at “woman” just like every cis gal out there.

Now I understand that some trans folks identify with ‘MtF’/’FtM’, and use the terms because they feel that they accurately describe who they are. Not everyone has had the same experiences as I have with coming to know their gender.

Some trans folks feel unconflicted well into their adult lives and then discover who they are. I have heard many in this group say things like, “I thought I was a man/woman, but I realized I was wrong” or, “I had no clue until a year ago.” For these individuals, ‘MtF’/’FtM’ might accurately describe the way they view the situation, and far be it from me to tell anyone what terms to identify with. That is the last thing I want. However, I think that when we take a good hard look at these terms, it’s hard to deny that they are problematic, and reinforce the gender policing which oppresses trans people to begin with. I ask trans advocates of these terms whether they are the terms we want, or the terms that the continual force of gender policing has given us.

Needless to say, I no longer use the terms ‘MtF’/’FtM’ and instead rely on ‘AMAB’/’AFAB’, or ‘Assigned Male at Birth’ and ‘Assigned Female at Birth’ when I have to reference a trans person’s perceived sex or gender before coming out/transitioning. These terms accurately place the ownership of the terms ‘male’ and ‘female’ and their attendant gendered terms on others’ perception and not on the individuals they are applied to.

Some people use ‘MAAB’/’FAAB’ — ’Male Assigned at Birth’ and ‘Female Assigned at Birth.’ These terms are equivalent, they simply sound awkward when expanded — so I prefer ‘AMAB’/’AFAB.’

Either way, they are far better than ‘MtF’/’FtM.’