I Came to Understand My Own Sexuality Through My Wife’s Transition

It’s been almost 2 years since my wife came out to me as trans. In the months that followed her coming out, and as I supported her through her medical and social transition, I learned a lot. I could probably write a book about all of the new understandings, perspectives and insights I’ve gained through this process, but today happens to be Bisexual Visibility Day— so I’m going to focus on what I learned about my own sexuality through my wife’s transition.

From a young age I knew I was a girl, and I knew I was attracted to boys. Therefore, in my simplistic view on gender and sexuality, I knew I was heterosexual. It wasn’t until my freshman year in college when I began having conversations about sexuality with my now-wife (Galen) that I realized the label I’d always used for myself didn’t quite fit. Until then, I thought everyone was attracted to both sexes and what made someone straight or gay was that they were slightly more attracted to one sex. Galen introduced me to the Kinsey scale and reminded me that being bi is possible too. I’ve since taken a Kinsey-style test probably half a dozen times over the years and have always scored a solid 3 (aka: very, very bi).

Although Galen and I had regular conversations about my bisexuality throughout our first year of college, I simply filed the information away as “interesting.” I figured I’d revisit my sexuality and explore it more when the opportunity arose. Galen and I began dating the first month of our freshman year of college, so as much as I was loving spending time together, the realist in me knew that we would break up at some point. I figured I would see what it was like to date women once Galen and I broke up.

As it turns out, Galen and I were a better fit than I ever could’ve realized. We stayed together through all four years of college, got married a couple years after graduating, added two dogs to our family, bought a house, and decided to try for a kid.

As a result, over the years I let my “bi” card gather dust, tucked away in the recess of my mind. I self-identified as bisexual if asked, but because I was happy and in a committed, awesome, and seemingly-heterosexual relationship, I didn’t see much point in formally announcing it to family and friends. I worried, if I did, that people would assume I wasn’t happy with Galen or that I wanted something different than what I had. All of that changed when Galen began her transition.

Suddenly, my sexuality mattered A LOT. It was one of the things that could make or break our marriage.

I combed the internet for stories of couples like ours in an attempt to better understand the effect transition can have on individuals like us and their relationships with each other. As I discovered, a transgender partner’s transition can understandably have a range of effects on their cisgender partner, but these effects seem to fall into one of three categories:

• It can reaffirm the cisgender partner’s heterosexual identity and need to be in a relationship with the opposite gender. In this case, the couple’s romantic relationship typically ends due to incompatibility, or morphs into a friend, roommate or co-parent relationship without a romantic component.
• It can result in the cis partner continuing to identify as 100% heterosexual, but making “an exception” for their partner. In this case, some cisgender partners will say things like, “I’m only gay for my partner.”
• It can prompt a change in the cisgender partner’s views regarding sexuality. They might start to view sexuality as a more fluid spectrum, and they might realize their own place on the spectrum more accurately. At which point, some cisgender partners might identify as bisexual, or at least not 100% heterosexual. This new understanding of their own sexuality can potentially allow them to continue their romantic relationship with their transgender partner, assuming they continue to be compatible.

I fell solidly in the last camp. My wife’s transition forced me to dust off my bi card, which was still boxed away. Out of necessity, I began to actively work to understand my own sexuality and the effect it might have on our relationship.

Obviously, being bisexual doesn’t mean you find every person attractive. I knew I found my wife attractive when she was presenting as a male, but would I also find her attractive after transition? The answer ended up being “yes,” but it didn’t happen instantly. In all honesty, at times it was hard to watch my wife intentionally change some of the physical traits I liked about her.

Transition doesn’t happen over night — it’s an ongoing puzzle that’s put together piece by piece, and I knew I needed to be patient to see more of the puzzle before making assumptions about how I would ultimately feel. One of the things I really appreciated during this “transitional” period was the fact that Galen regularly checked in to see what I was thinking about her appearance and genuinely wanted me to be honest.

Because of this, I was able to share things with her that I might not have otherwise. I was able to tell her that I sometimes missed her facial hair, and that I didn’t really like her in dresses yet. These honest conversations validated my feelings and kept me from feeling like I needed to be ashamed about the way I was adapting to the changes in her appearance.

I also found out that being bi doesn’t mean you’re wired to seamlessly transition from a heterosexual relationship into a homosexual relationship — especially when you’ve never experienced the latter. Although Galen and I had worked hard to avoid falling into gender roles in our relationship, over the 10+ years we had been together, we had fallen into certain patterns. So I was unsure how I would feel having some parts of our relationship and our roles in the relationship redefined. What parts of the status quo did I want to keep? What parts did I feel comfortable reworking?

As it happened, we became parents a few months after my wife came out to me. Our son’s birth, followed by the 3 months we had together on maternity leave, provided the perfect opportunity for us to uncover and redefine some of the gendered patterns we’d fallen into over the last decade. We’re still not perfect, but we’ve worked to better understand what each person brings to the table, and divide and conquer things with more intentionality. We rely less on the “autopilot” of societal expectations.

If the last two years have taught me anything, it’s that people are complicated and surprising. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve got everything figured out, but I’m thankful to have had the gentle shove I needed to do some much needed introspection. As a result, I have a far better understanding of who I am, and a confidence in my own wants, needs and desires.

I’m bi, and while that fact was invisible to myself and others for a long time, I’m now able to embrace it. I’m proud to be bi, and glad that I was prompted to figure out what that means.